Knot for Everyone
by pyrrhicvictoly
Summary: Mall adventures with Jade and Karkat. Only the sleazy trolls go to Auntie Anne's. For reasons.


Jade had never been to the mall before. She'd never been to _a_ mall, _any_ mall, any _store_ even, barring those in the consort villages that mostly sold things like bug juice and fraymotifs. She wouldn't say it was overwhelming, per se, though it certainly was odd being surrounded by so many people. Maybe it wasn't normal to feel this way, but Jade actually found it comforting that there were trolls and carapaces in this iteration of the Maple Valley Mall.

The game spat them out in a universe that had been reconfigured in subtle ways to accept the presence of the ex-players as normal. Even though they had been gone for more than three years, John and Dave and Rose found themselves enrolled in their local high schools with strangers for classmates; strangers who claimed to remember working with them on such-and-such project last year. And as for Jade, she found herself back on her island as an emancipated minor with a degree in theoretical physics. Naturally, the first thing she did was dig up Grandpa's old Cessna and fly herself to Washington.

The trolls were scattered throughout the new world, but Karkat had managed to land in John's neighborhood. Jade latched on to him as they both struggled to acclimate to life in human civilization, and that's how she found herself using her shiny new learner's permit to drive them both to the mall.

Everything was going great! Maple Valley wasn't as diverse as some other places when it came to alien integration, so they did get the occasional odd look from some of the more conservative folks, but Karkat merely glowered and didn't threaten to shank anyone's disapproving grandma, so that counted as a plus. They'd been wandering around for a couple minutes now, and all in all the mall was pretty much like what she'd seen in movies and YouTube clips. Except there was just one problem.

"I don't really know what to do now that we're here. Hmm."

"Gee, let me think. Uh, _buy unnecessary shit_? What the fuck else is there to do in your shitty materialistic human culture."

"Oh my _gog_, Karkat, don't be such a Debbie Downer."

"Hey, I am not a _Debbie_, Downer or otherwise. And Troll Debbie Downer was a shit actress whose facial expressions were about as compelling as a glob of oinkbeast vomit. I'd thank you not to compare me to her."

Jade rolled her eyes and tugged him along to the food court. That was where movie-teenagers seemed to spend the most time. And anyway, she really didn't feel like forcing Karkat-black-and-gray-shirts-only-Vantas to, god forbid, introduce _color_ into his wardrobe. He scowled all the way, but Jade made up for it by gracing the world with an especially large buck-toothed grin.

There were many foods she'd never tried before (since before was mostly cookalized pumpkins and steaks from whatever beast she managed to shoot that day) and she was on an unofficial journey to change that fact. Living with the Egberts had given her more of a taste for variety, but an adventurer's soul is not satisfied with spaghetti and Betty Crocker! Today? Today is a day for… Ooh, pretzels!

Karkat was too busy being mopey and scuffing his shoes on the floor to notice where he was being led until Jade was already ordering at Auntie Anne's.

"I'll take one with cinnamon sugar and… Karkat, do you want one?"

There was no response.

"Karkat?"

Jade turned to see what was wrong. Karkat's entire face was red and his eyes were bugging out in that weird way of his where the pupils go in opposite directions as he ragegasms.

The worker behind the counter chose that inopportune moment to hand Jade her pretzel. She barely managed to grasp the wrapper before Karkat exploded, slapping the offending foodstuff away. "Don't fucking touch that!" The pretzel hit the wall and dropped to the counter, spraying loose sugar all over the place.

"Karkat! What's wrong with you!"

He panted heavily, eyes darting around, taking in the scene. Horrified human spectators surrounded them, some with pretzels halfway to their gaping mouths.

"THEY'RE ALL EATING BREADED TROLL DICKS!"

Gasps sounded all around. Disapproving grandmothers wrung their hands and looked faint. Pearl-clutching may have been involved.

As Karkat was raving, Jade spied a lone troll, the only other one nearby at the moment, and he waggled his eyebrows in a very suggestive manner. Hmm. He gestured to his crotch and gave his hips a swivel. _Hey baby, you like the Troll D?_ he mouthed. Hmmmmmmmm. He sauntered up to her and whispered, "I'll put out if nubs won't." Double pistols and a wink. Time to abscond.

She grabbed Karkat's hand again and gave her best disarming smile to the small crowd. "Oh, uh, sorry! Sorry, excuse us!" she said as they hastily retreated.

They ducked out of the food court and weaved through shoppers until they came to a nearly empty wing of the mall. It was home to unpopular shops that specialized in things like picture frames and customized engravings.

Jade stopped short and put her hands on her hips. "See, this behavior is why we can't have nice things."

"Those human 'pretzels' are not 'nice things'," he sneered.

"Whatever. You can't just fly off the handle whenever you encounter something in human culture that seems weird to you."

"_Buckets_, though. There are slurry-fucking buckets in the display windows of stupid hipster fashion stores! Tell me it's not okay for me to be upset about that!"

Okay, yeah, so maybe Maple Valley was a bit too suburban to be "with it" on that (or any) aspect of troll culture and some of the stores thought it would be cute to decorate with little beach pails for their summer theme. Jade could admit that would be gross and offensive from a troll's perspective, but…

"I think we need to back up a bit. Why are pretzels offensive?"

"...You really want to know?"

"Considering that I just got hit on by some fuckass who assumed I was a troll-chaser? Yeah I want to know!"

"What?! When did this happen? I'll kill him!"

"It's sweet that you care and all, but it was just a random sleazebag while you were ranting. I'll snipe his 'pretzel' off myself if he tries anything. Now explain, please?"

Karkat looked around to make sure there weren't any spectators. "I can't believe I'm doing this," he mumbled. He then took in a deep breath to calm himself before launching into a nervous explanation. "Trolls have… bulges."

"I know what a bulge is, Karkat. You don't have a pretzel in your pants."

"Fucking shut up and let me explain, Harley!"

"Okay, jeez."

"Like I was saying, trolls have bulges. Bulges are prehensile. During concupiscent actions, the bulge goes into the nook and… and the trolls have intercourse, okay? Fuck! Fucking happens, slurry is released into the nook and, uh, sometimes a pail isn't readily available. I mean, historically that's how it probably evolved, that there was a time when there weren't buckets. How the nubslurping fuck would they get the slurry to the Mother Grub without it leaking all over the place except by keeping it in there."

"With the bulge."

"Yes with the bulge! My god, what else is there!"

"The prehensile bulge ties itself into a pretzel?"

"Fuck," Karkat said into his shamed double-facepalm.

"I'm asking out of scientific curiosity, not to embarrass you. Is it… erotic, then? The act of tying things into knots, I mean. Like, if I were to get a pack of Twizzlers or something and tie one into a knot?"

Karkat did not respond except to whimper. Jade couldn't see his face, but she assumed it was properly mortified if the redness at the tips of his ears was anything to go by. She took his lack of response as a positive to her inquiry.

"So, pretzels," she said, returning to the original topic. "They are deserving of your righteous ire."

"Hell fucking yes they deserve it! They are obscenely shaped pornographic edibles that should not be sold to wigglers. Think of the fucking children, Harley. They're fellating yeasty facsimiles of troll genitals right in front of their fucking guardians and no one even cares. Don't you see how wrong that is?"

"Mmhmm!" Jade smiled and pulled Karkat into a hug and gave him a peck on the cheek. "Thanks for telling me!"

Karkat looked a little dazed when she let go. "Uh, yeah," he said, "I guess we should head back now, unless there was something else you wanted to do here."

"Hold on, let me call John first."

"Why the fuck do you need John involved in this? Urgh. Haven't I been shamed enough?"

Jade shrugged. "I guess we're not having the knotted garlic rolls for dinner tonight. Or possibly ever."


End file.
